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Everything a narcissist does is to benefit himself (or herself–just insert the pronoun that works for your situation).  He doesn’t even see others as people, so there is no need to treat them accordingly.  This doesn’t change in regard to who they marry.  So then, who does a narcissist marry?

There are two schools of thought regarding who a narcissist marries.  One says a narcissist will marry someone who is successful, independent, intelligent, and beautiful.  The other one says that a narcissist marries someone who is codependent, a people pleaser, weaker, less intelligent, and easy to take advantage of.  In actuality, the narcissist marries a blend of these.  Marrying someone who is successful makes the narcissist look successful.  But it can’t be someone who is emotionally healthy and relationally wise.  They need someone who is codependent and less intelligent relationally so they can receive their narcissistic supply indefinitely.  

Let’s take a closer look at how this all plays out.

A Narcissist Marries Someone who Will Bolster Their Image

A narcissist needs to be seen as successful, smart, and pretty much perfect.  Even if they are far from that in real life, they think they can pull it off.  And one of the ways they can accomplish that is to have a smart, successful, pretty much perfect spouse on their arm.  So the narcissist marries the most beautiful and smart person they can find that will have them.

The problem with this is that many successful smart people will recognize the narcissist’s issues over time and they will never marry them.  The narcissist must find someone who is not emotionally adept enough to see the gaslighting, blame shifting, control, and manipulation among many other things. 

People who have experienced healthy relationships growing up as well as in their adult life may not see these narcissistic behaviors at first.  Kind people that are gracious and forgiving will give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt, just like everyone else.  But someone who is emotionally mature will pick up on the unhealthy patterns.  And they won’t allow themselves to be manipulated constantly in this way.  

At first, the narcissist will be careful.  He will make sure to give the unsuspecting partner nearly constant love-bombing with a little bit of gaslighting mixed in.  If he sees that he can get away with the gaslighting, he will continue to slowly increase the ration of narcissistic behavior to love bombing until he finds out where the limit is.  When he passes the limit, he will very nimbly cross back over into the love bombing stage until his partner lets their guard down again.  This pattern continues until the narcissist figures out if he can make his move to make his partner his spouse.

When a smart, successful, beautiful person doesn’t pick up on these patterns, then they are in for an earth shattering marriage.  And often, it takes years if not decades for them to realize what they have gotten themselves into.  In the meantime, everyone on the outside thinks they are the most beautiful perfect couple.  Which is literally all the narcissist was looking for in the first place.

A Narcissist Marries Someone They Can Easily Manipulate and Control

The other major criteria a narcissist looks for in a significant other is someone they can easily manipulate and control.  This is even bigger for them than marrying someone who is beautiful and successful.  The reason for this is simple.  If the narcissist cannot manipulate and control their partner, they cannot get narcissistic supply.  So, while it is certainly advantageous for them to have someone on their arm that helps secure the essence of status, it is only icing on the cake and not the main goal.  And that is why the narcissist marries someone they can easily manipulate and control, hopefully for years without them catching on to what is really going on.

The narcissist’s dream date is the codependent.  According to Everyday Health, the definition of codependency is “Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore,” Dr. Becker says. “Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.” 

One of the biggest aspects of codependency is to try to make sure that everyone around you is happy and content.  A codependent person will go to extreme lengths to make this happen.  And this will attract a narcissist to them in short order.  Any narcissist who finds a person to wait on their every need or want is a happy narcissist (if you could use those two words together; narcissists are generally not happy people).

Because people with codependency traits tend to lack in emotional health, they can go for years without realizing that the narcissist is only using them and doesn’t truly love them.  Or, like in my case, they may see the lack of love, but think that if they just become a better person or spouse, the narcissist will see that and start returning the love.  It puts them on a carousel that they will never be able to get off unless they recognize what is really going on and set some healthy boundaries for themselves.

I have two books on my shelf that deal with those two exact issues.  They are The Emotionally Destructive Marriage:  How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope and Boundaries:  When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.

The first, written by Leslie Vernick, does an amazing job of helping people find out if they are in a destructive marriage or just a difficult marriage.  Then she gives us the best action steps to take to put us on emotionally healthy ground in both cases.  It also starts with a test so you can definitively see exactly what your issues are in your relationship.

Upon understanding and implementing the steps in The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, Boundaries will help you recognize how to stand on your own feet relationally and set boundaries so people can no longer take inappropriate advantage of  you relationally.  

Both books will help your relationships throughout your entire life, not just your marriage.  Check them out as soon as you can!