After a short search online or discussion among fellow therapists, you will find that narcissism is considered an incurable condition. But there is more to the story. Narcissism manifests on a spectrum. The lower a person is on that spectrum, the better chance they recognize narcissistic behavior and change make healthy changes. But…the higher on the spectrum a narcissist falls, the more unlikely it is that they will be healed.
If God is all-powerful, why can’t/won’t He heal narcissists, saving us suffering on Earth? Sometimes He does, but often He doesn’t interfere with our choices. God isn’t a puppet master and we don’t have His wisdom to make the best decisions. He can do miraculous things with our experiences!
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God may not Heal Your Narcissist Because He is not a Puppet Master
Sometimes, I think it would just be so much easier to always do the best thing if God would just make me see it as the only option. But, alas, life was not made to be so easy. God is not a puppet master. And we are not puppets.
God created us to be free spirited, free thinking individuals. It’s pretty crazy to realize that of the tens of billions of people who have lived throughout history, not a one is exactly like the other. We are all distinct from every other person that has ever lived.
Part of the reason for that is that God allows us to develop ourselves throughout our life. This distinctness comes from our DNA. But it also comes from our environment from the moment we are born.
As we grow, we learn to make choices. The better environment we grow up in, the better opportunity we will have to make good choices. This is not a guarantee, though! So many people have grown up in the best of circumstances, only to go off the rails in devastating ways. And, many people have grown up in the worst possible circumstances to go on to live incredibly healthy and productive lives. And many of those people have changed the world in wonderful ways!
At the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself and the choices you make. Nobody ever makes only perfect decisions.
God will Only Heal Your Narcissist if he or she Desires Healing
I’m sure most of you have heard the phrase, “God helps those who help themselves.” The term is generally used to emphasize the point that self help is a valuable character trait to have. Ironically, there is no Bible verse that specifically says these words, though you can find many verses that promote the point that we are to do all things to the best of our ability.
With that thought in mind, we can apply this principle to the fact that narcissists can only be healed by God if they choose the very difficult path of healing for themselves. When they do this, God will absolutely help them to see a way forward and heal from their narcissistic behavior. Unfortunately, many narcissists feel too buried to be willing to expose their shame and come out of it, even when they are facing God and His future judgment. They seem to think they can even fool God if they can convince themselves of their alternate reality/truth.
This was honestly very sad to watch with my ex-husband. He came so close to giving up the narcissistic battle within himself. But then, as soon as he realized he was about to expose what he had hidden for so long, he would immediately withdraw and put the mask back on. I witnessed this inner battle he fought both at home and in the therapist’s office.
I told him multiple times that I was willing to do whatever hard work it took to get us past the narcissism. His therapists told him the same and assured him there was no judgment, only a pledge to help him in his healing. But he wouldn’t have any of it. And he walked away from all who would help him, ultimately over 100 people in the space of about 6 years. He chose a new world with all new people who he can now fool for as long as possible. And it’s working pretty well for him. At least on the outside.
Whether or not God Heals Your Narcissist, You Must Protect Yourself
Once you realize you are dealing with narcissistic abuse, your first job is to get yourself to a safe place. Not all narcissists are physically abusive, so you may not have to call the police or seek shelter in a safer place. If you are in physical danger, though, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Or you can visit online at thehotline.org.
For those of you who are not in immediate physical danger, you still have a job to do to keep yourself safe from narcissistic (emotional, spiritual, verbal, financial, sexual or any other kind of abuse) abuse. The first thing you need to do is learn to set and keep boundaries.
I was led to believe that I couldn’t have boundaries with my then husband. He “owned all of me.” That is the way many churches want you to believe. But that is not what the Bible says. The Bible says we are “heirs together in the grace of God.” (1 Peter 3:7) This simply means that we receive God’s grace as a couple as we work together to serve Him in our daily life and work on Earth. It does not indicate that we are slaves of our husbands or that we have no choice but to bow to our husbands no matter what.
This is a complicated topic that I can’t cover here, but there is an excellent book that will help you to understand what your relationship with your husband should look like and how you can gracefully and powerfully stand your ground and interact with your husband in healthy ways, even if he chooses not to. That book is The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. If you’ve read many of my articles, you will recognize it as one of my most recommended books because it will literally change how you relate to everyone in your life in the best way you can imagine. Upon applying it’s principles to your life, you will immediately feel healing from being beaten down by narcissism and other forms of abuse.
In it, she talks about C.O.R.E. principles that help you to maintain healthy boundaries and a good life regarding your relationships. Here is what each of the letters of CORE mean:
C – I will be committed to truth, both internally in my own heart and mind and externally. I refuse to pretend.
O – I will be open to the Holy Spirit and wise others, teaching me, maturing me, and guiding me into his way of living my life.
R – I will be responsible for my own responses to destructive behavior and commit to being respectful without dishonoring myself.
E – I will be empathic and compassionate toward others without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me.
In a response to a follower, she goes on to say, “When you know and believe that you are a loved, valuable, worthwhile human being and live from that core place, toxic people lose their power to manipulate you. They can’t control and intimidate you as they once did when you felt worthless, dependent and needy.”
Once I learned these 4 really important steps and started practicing them, my whole world changed. Tell me how it worked for you too!!!!
You can check it out here:
I have a few other articles that talk about keeping yourself safe from your narcissist. You can check them out here:
How to Safely Leave a Narcissist for Good
36+ Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist Safely
The Narcissist Reaction to Divorce: Protect Yourself Well
Defending Yourself Against the Aging Narcissist: You’ve Got This!
How to Move Forward if God Doesn’t Heal Your Narcissist
If your narcissist chooses not to heal (most higher-level narcissists won’t because they intensely fear having their deep shame revealed), and as a result, God does not heal them, you now must look out for yourself and your own wellbeing. The narcissist is not taking care of you or doing what is good for you. If you are married, the covenant of marriage is broken. If you are employed by them, you will never get what you need in your job from them. The same goes for any other relationship: you will never get what you need or what is right.
To move forward, you must learn how to respond to your narcissist in safe and healthy ways. Learn what to say that defuses the situation rather than riles the narcissist up. Don’t respond in excitable ways. Find ways to encourage your narcissist without sacrificing your sanity. And if you know that you will be walking away from the relationship, start thinking and making plans toward that end.
Speaking with a counselor is incredibly important if you are starting this process. But often, even choosing a counselor seems to hard. Confide in a friend or two that you know you can trust. If they have been through similar experiences, even better! They may even be able to refer you to a therapist they spent time with in their own healing.
If you are not sure where to begin in your healing, you may find a consultation with me a good starting point. I have helped hundreds of other people map their way forward and find their way to the resources available to them and sooner than later an emotionally healthy life.
Conclusion
On rare occasions, God does choose to heal narcissists. But in those cases, the narcissist usually leans more on the side of narcissistic behaviors and tendencies than full blown narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, if your narcissist doesn’t want to change, he can continue to rebel against God’s Word. God will not stop him. At this point, you must make the hard decision as to whether you try to continue the relationship with your narcissist with new boundaries in place (that will be extremely difficult to maintain) or move away from the relationship.
Of course, the future of your relationship with the narcissist depends on what the relationship is. If the narcissist is your boss or coworker, you may not be able to simply walk away, especially not immediately. The same is true of a narcissistic spouse. But if the narcissist is a neighbor, friend, distant family member, or acquaintance in the community, you will likely be able to cut ties and focus on your own emotional wellbeing without their interference and sabotage.
Regardless of what your relationship with your narcissist looks like, it is pretty much a guarantee that you will find yourself dealing with other narcissists down the road that you may or may not be able to disentangle yourself from. And in those cases, you need to know the best ways to handle those situations or how to deal with the narcissist if you can’t just leave.
Recommended Resource
Interestingly enough, my ex-husband’s therapist when we were going through separation recommended an incredibly good book to me to help me deal with things while our marriage was crumbling. It was called Toughest People to Love by Chuck DeGroat. It seemed as though he had been in my house watching things unfold and he was now telling me how I could handle all of it better. I started implementing things immediately and even though he didn’t choose to heal from his narcissism and our marriage wasn’t saved, I learned healthy ways to deal with narcissism. And I have been able to use some of the principles in the book with future relationships, not just with narcissists, but with people who were difficult to work with.
(Just to be clear, sometimes people are difficult to deal with, but good people. We can all be difficult sometimes! And often, when you react the right way to bad behavior, the person that you are dealing with will see things more clearly. This in turn allows the relationship to repair and move forward in a positive way!)
You can check out the book here:
- How to Choose the Best Attorney When Divorcing a Narcissist - March 23, 2024
- Why Won’t God Heal my Narcissist? - February 28, 2024
- How Narcissists Use Religion to Control and Manipulate You - December 26, 2023
