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Narcissists want everyone to believe they are the best parent in the world.  Overt narcissists will brag about their parenting skills, whether or not they exist in reality.  Covert narcissists will use the most humble of words to prove to you what a good parent they are.  And they will make you think you are the one who came to that conclusion.  But, can narcissists really be good parents?

Narcissists can appear to be good parents when they are in public and being watched by others.  But as a general rule, what goes on behind closed doors is a different story.  But because everybody does good in this world, even the worst narcissist will do good things with their children.  Unfortunately, the destructive things they do with and to their children  will overshadow any good parenting skills they pick up over the years.  

Let’s take a closer look at what ways narcissists can be good parents.

Narcissists Must be Seen as Good Parents in Public Places

Many narcissists, especially covert narcissists, have a need to be seen as perfect and will put on the best public act to convince people.  This was especially true for my ex husband.  He was an elder in our church and “deeply religious.”  I say that in quotes because while his words would indicate so, his actions were often anything but religious.  

He put on the wonderful, doting father act in church all the time.  He even taught parenting classes for a while.  Unfortunately, because he didn’t really understand how to parent normally, the classes tended to be very shallow and by the third round of classes were poorly attended.  

Even though the classes he taught didn’t continue, people still thought of him as a great parent and family man.  That is because he still talked a good talk.  And most people in church (me included) give people the benefit of the doubt when they speak to you things that are supposedly from the heart.

It is typical that narcissists (secular or religious, overt or covert) expect their children to look amazing and give an equally amazing first impression.  And they expect their children to live up to that first impression in public forever.  The narcissist sees their children as an extension of themselves.  And narcissists wear a mask in public to keep their real self deeply hidden.  So, since their children are an extension of the narcissist, the children are expected to reflect that same mask in their own public appearances.

How they look, what they say, how they move, everything is considered most important.  They cannot let the mask fall.  If they do, there will be hell to pay.  

Everybody is a Good Parent Sometimes

Behind closed doors (I say that loosely, it could be at home but in the yard, or really anywhere that the narcissist felt safe enough to “let their hair down”), the narcissist doesn’t feel the need to keep up the mask as well.  My ex was known in our former neighborhood as the “father of 8 who hates kids.”  That is because the minute he came home from work, he would tell whatever kids were in the neighborhood to go home as soon as he got out of his car.  They would scatter.

Once in the house, he would tell our kids to go away so he could decompress from work.  I do understand the need for that to a degree.  But to not really even greet his kids after a long day was severe.  And he rarely ever caught up with them or spent time with them in the evening or on the weekends.  They weren’t really there for him to relate to.  He used to joke about kids being free slave labor.  And as the kids got older and his relationship to them didn’t improve, I came to believe he may have been serious about the slave labor remark.  

That being said, there were a few times that he would have some good times with the kids.  Once in a great while he would throw a ball with the kids.  Actually, the only time that really happened was with our youngest son after we were in counseling.  It had come to light that he was not spending time with his children and they had all been wanting him to be more involved for many years. 

So, in an effort to convince the counselors that he was a good dad, he would spend about two minutes with his kids doing whatever they were doing at the time.  Then he could go to counseling and tell them that he was getting better at spending time with his children.  Which was true considering he was spending almost no time with them before.  

Before then, he would coach the kids in soccer and basketball, but those things were primarily done to preserve his “good parent” reputation in public.  There was no practicing at home with them.

Just before we separated in 2018, he was starting to go on family day trips and other events with the kids.  And I think sometimes the kids had a good time with him being there.  But often he was so demanding and authoritarian that the kids ended up preferring the times that he didn’t bother to go.  I think they felt that way because the harm he did in the long term was just to insurmountable to be covered over by the few good times.  And that brings us to our next point.

The Harm Narcissists do to Children Overshadows the Good Parenting

This subtitle reminds me of the phrase, “Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”  As I mentioned before, there were good times here and there.  And I think that my ex wanted his family.  But he wanted to own us.  We were just property to him to use when he wanted us around or wanted to make a good impression.  He didn’t see us as people, even when we talked about it in counseling for months.  I do remember one time that we were arguing and he said the he didn’t think he could make himself be different than he was.  That statement stopped our argument instantly.  And it both scared me and made me sad for him at the same time.  

Unfortunately, his statement proved to be true.  As counseling progressed and he was called out for his narcissistic issues, he spiraled out of control.  He went off the rails with all of his children.  And they all walked away, not willing to put up with the misery of the narcissism in order to enjoy the few good times, which were good experiences on the surface, but poor experiences relationally.  

For the few good experiences they did get, they have suffered from bad memories, lack of memory, PTSD, and a myriad of issues needing professional counseling.  They did not emerge unaffected.  And my prayer now is that they can heal and now have healthy families of their own.

How Children Heal From Narcissistic Parents

As I briefly alluded to above, professional counseling will be a must.  This rings especially true if the narcissistic parent falls higher on the narcissism spectrum.  

As the other parent support person of a narcissist’s child, reading about ways to support and love your children in healthy ways will help you to help your children.  Often, children of narcissists grow into adults before realizing the harm that was done to them by their narcissistic parent.  But there are some great books and resources out there for them!  Here are a couple of the ones that helped my family greatly: