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What is a Flying Monkey (& Why Narcissists Need Them)?

We all know about the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz, a movie from 1939 based on the novel by L. Frank Baum.  The Wicked Witch of the West cast a spell on them and they instantly did her bidding no matter what she asked of them.  Until, finally, at the end of the movie, the spell was broken and the monkeys no longer do the Wicked Witch’s bidding, but instead follow Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, who is arguably the most powerful in all of Oz.  So, relative to narcissism, what is a flying monkey and why do narcissists need them?


A flying monkey is a person who, despite all evidence, chooses to believe the narcissist’s lies and wholeheartedly serves them.  Narcissists manipulate them to do things designed to destroy their victims.  Narcissists need them–they can damage the victims far more than the narcissist could singlehandedly.

Now that we have answered the question, let’s take a deeper dive into what this answer really means in day-to-day life.  There is a ton of information you will need to know in order to identify and properly deal with your narcissist’s flying monkeys.

What Exactly is a Flying Monkey?

I have already given you a bare-bones definition of a flying monkey above.  But let’s look at some more defining factors.

The flying monkey is not someone who is acting of their own accord.  They are generally being put up to their shenanigans by a narcissist who has a particular target in mind for the flying monkey to attack.  Sometimes, the flying monkey will realize they are doing shady things, other times, they can be led to believe they are being super supportive.  If this sounds confusing to you, let me give you a couple of examples.

First, the flying monkey who realizes they are doing shady things is likely a fellow narcissist, who is getting supply from helping to contribute to the original narcissist’s supply.  Let’s say there is a manager at work who regularly steals the intellectual property of an associate in the office.  We will call him Associate 1.  The narcissist has threatened Associate 1 in ways that keep him or her from letting anyone in the company know what is going on, often making the victim feel that their job itself is at risk.

So, Associate 1 finds ways to prevent the manager from stealing his work and taking credit for it.  For instance, he doesn’t show critical parts of his work until it is presented to a wider audience.  Based on these new limitations, the narcissistic manager gets kind of angry.  But he can’t show this anger visibly for fear that someone may find out he has been stealing and the jig is seemingly up.  Except it isn’t.  The attacks are going to ramp up because the narcissist isn’t going down without a fight.

Now, let’s say there is an associate in the office that doesn’t particularly like Associate 1 and the narcissist knows it.  We will call this one Associate 2 (I know, not the most creative, but you get the point!).  The narcissist has seen this associate do some grey-area type things in the office before.  So, he feels he can use this associate to gain access to Associate 1’s work.  He enlists Associate 2 to spy on work being done, or even gives him specific questions to find out what he can so they can gain the upper hand over this associate.

Associate 2 knows he’s being shady but is happy to suck up to the boss and also stick it to someone he doesn’t especially like in the office.  This is the first type of flying monkey I mentioned:  someone doing shady things to help out the narcissist.

Now, let’s turn it around a bit.  Let’s use the same scenario of Associate 1 protecting his work from being stolen anymore.  But instead of a partner in crime, the narcissist chooses one of the best, most conscientious workers in the office but who is too new to realize the manager likes to steal people’s work and take credit for it.  Yep, you guessed it.  We are calling this one Associate 3.

The manager tells this Associate 3 that he is very concerned for Associate 1 because he is going through a very difficult time (family emergency, illness, or other such fabricated crisis).  So, he would like for Associate 3 to just come alongside this distressed Associate 1 to make sure he is getting his work done and done well.  And he would like some reports on the details of the work so he can be assured that everything is okay.  Oh, and don’t talk about the crisis with the fellow associate because the manager doesn’t want to break confidences.  (This isolation and secrecy is what makes the narcissist so dangerous and able to get away with so much before being discovered for the abuse he perpetrates against others!)

This is an example of the second form of flying monkey, who is a genuinely nice person but is being used in nefarious ways by the narcissist without having a clue the damage they are doing.

Now that we have a good idea of the distinction between types of flying monkeys, let’s talk a little bit more about each of the types.

I have an article that goes even further into exactly what a flying monkey is and why narcissists need them.

Types of Flying Monkeys

There are two primary types of flying monkeys which I sort of touched on above:  benevolent and malevolent.  The benevolent flying monkey is often a well-meaning person who finds themselves working hard to please the narcissist, someone that they find to be what they think is a good and honorable person.  They seemingly have no idea that they are actually harming the victim and helping the perpetrator of abuse.  And often, they themselves feel trapped and controlled by the narcissist.  As indeed, they are.

The malevolent flying monkey is often a narcissist (or other significantly toxic personality disorder) themselves who is willing to do the narcissist’s bidding for their own selfish gain.  These are scary people because now you have multiple narcissists ganging up on the victim.  It is an unbearable situation for the victim, who is usually very empathic.

In many cases, the flying monkey will be somewhere in between these two extremes.  Nobody is all evil or all good.  We are all a messy mixture of both.  And so the line between benevolent and malevolent flying monkey will also be a bit fuzzier than their definitions.  Let’s take a look at both of them.

Benevolent Flying Monkeys

The usual benevolent flying monkey is emotionally immature and struggles with codependency and other issues.  Because of this, they have a difficult time understanding the ways the narcissist is manipulating them.  They just want to make the better place and will help anyone they can  in the process.  They will think they can help anyone as long as they love them well.

The narcissist plays the victim which makes the benevolent flying monkey actually think they are helping an innocent person.  They have no idea that reality is the exact opposite and they are helping a narcissist to destroy a good person.  The narcissist is actually chipping away at the personhood of both their victim and their flying monkeys.  And the benevolent flying monkeys don’t realize it because instead of looking out for themselves, they spend all their time and energy working to make sure their narcissist is living his best life.

My example above about the work associates showed how the benevolent flying monkey would be duped into thinking that the narcissist was the innocent victim and the actual victim was a bad person who is “out to get” the narcissist.  They are so horrified that someone would treat their “good friend” in this way that the narcissist can talk them into doing almost anything to make things right.  Unfortunately, they have no idea how much damage they are doing to the wrong people.

Malevolent Flying Monkeys

Malevolent flying monkeys are a totally different story than their benevolent counterparts.  They aren’t trying to do the right thing.  As I mentioned above, they are often narcissists.  They see and recognize the original narcissist’s behavior for what it is.  And they realize they can get their own source of supply from this new position.

Malevolent flying monkeys have no problem taking advantage of, stealing from, lying to, gaslighting, and otherwise abusing innocent people.  They see them as a means to get what they want, not as people.  They will treat their victims as narcissists do, which in turn makes the victim feel ganged up on and hopelessly trapped.  And that is the best supply of all for a narcissist and his malevolent flying monkeys.

The biggest difference between the benevolent and malevolent flying monkeys is that while the benevolent thinks they are doing the right thing, malevolent flying monkeys will actually take pleasure in helping the narcissist to “take down” their victim.  They will have no problem saying and doing evil things to this innocent person.  Just because it will feed into their own narcissistic supply.  Note that when this happens, it is because both the narcissist and flying monkey score high on the narcissism scale.

As we get more specific in the characteristics of flying monkeys, the benevolent and malevolent flying monkeys actually break down into at least nine different types.

Check out my article on whether flying monkeys are jealous.

How Can You Tell if Someone is a Flying Monkey?

Once you know the warning signs of narcissism and their flying monkeys, it won’t be difficult to recognize them and act accordingly.  Let me give you some of the most obvious signs of flying monkeys:

  • A flying monkey will be someone that is very gullible.  If they believe everything everyone tells them at face value, the narcissist can convince them that Mother Mary is an axe murderer and get them to act accordingly.
  • Flying monkeys like to listen to and spread gossip.  If something gets back to you and you can get to the source, you have found your flying monkey.
  • If they show favor to the narcissist no matter how much his mask slips, you have a flying monkey.
  • People pleasers make perfect flying monkeys.  They will do anything to please anyone, narcissist or not.
  • If you are known for your empathetic personality, you will be a huge target for flying monkeys to use you.
  • If you have been abused your entire life, you are likely fearful of everyone.  The narcissist will see this and use it to bully you into doing their bidding.
  • On the other side, if you are a narcissist or show other psychopathic tendencies, the narcissist may recruit you to be on his team.  Getting you to help him destroy his victim will give both of you narcissistic supply.
  • People who are not good at setting and keeping boundaries make good flying monkeys. The narcissist will take advantage and manipulate you into destroying their victim. (If you need help with setting and keeping boundaries, the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend was life changing for me and many of my clients!  Check it out below!)

What are Some Examples of a Flying Monkey?

Learning to identify and deal with flying monkeys can be tricky, especially if you are a generally trusting person.  But after a few betrayals by the flying monkey, you will learn to figure it out sooner than later.  Let’s look at some examples of a flying monkey:

  • In this first scenario, we’ll say you are at a social event that meets regularly.  This event occurs after you’re separated from your narcissist.  A couple you haven’t seen in a while comes up and asks for a hug.  You know from years past they worshiped the ground your narcissist ex walked on.  But you agree because you want to be kind and friendly.  After the hug, they inform you they have been in touch with your ex because they wrote him an email.  They explained they missed him and wished he would return to to the group.  Then, they realize they have shown their inner flying monkey.  So, then they tell you that if you had been gone from church for a long time they would have written you as well.  You know they are lying, but you smile and keep your knowledge to yourself.  And then, upon leaving the event, of course, you never hear from them.  They were doing the narcissist’s bidding—showing everyone how loving and kind they are while knowing they were really out to support the narcissist.
  • The second scenario takes place at church.  An older woman who’s husband is disabled is crushing on your narcissist.  She thinks he walks on water.  And one day, he sings happy birthday to her.  She is absolutely melting.  And then she runs to you to tell you that your wonderful husband made her cry because he sang such a beautiful rendition of Happy Birthday to her in the fellowship hall.  You have no idea how to respond because you are so creeped out by both of their behavior.  But you smile and get through the moment.  A few months later, when you are separated from your narcissist and he no longer attends church there, she comes up to tell you that you need to invite him back because she misses him.  (After the church leaders announce he has been removed from the home for toxic behavior.)  When you say you can’t do that, she exclaims, “I just can’t…”  and storms off.  From then on forward, she gives you side eyes and dirty looks every time you are in the same room.

These two examples actually happened to me.  And honestly, the vast majority of people saw and understood what was going on.  But a few people will always behave this way.  Your best bet is to recognize it for what it is.  Don’t let it bother you!

I also bet you can share your own examples with us here (feel free to comment about those below.)  And yes, those two examples came from my very real life.

Why do Narcissists Need Flying Monkeys?

Narcissists need flying monkeys for a few reasons.  Of course, they need them to help them abuse their victims, either willingly or blindly.  Let’s talk about what that means specifically.

They need them to be able to get to their victim(s) when they aren’t able to.  Maybe by this time the victim of the narcissist is on to them in ways that the narcissist doesn’t have the ability to catch them alone or have a private conversation with them.  So they will enlist the help of a flying monkey to get the info they need from their victim.  This often works for a short while, until the victim realizes the flying monkey is taking the info straight back to the narcissist.  Then the narcissist will have to enlist more new flying monkeys to get any more info.  But by this time, the victim is often wary of anyone who approaches them and not so free with their private information.

Another reason narcissists need flying monkeys is so they can spy on their victims.  These flying monkeys don’t even necessarily talk with the victim.  They are just close enough to see what is going on so they can report back to the narcissist.  They could be a co-worker, neighbor, family member, or anyone who can get close enough without arousing suspicions.

Finally, one more reason narcissists need flying monkeys is to feel like others agree with them and support them.  Having someone who is willing to believe their lies and do what they ask is automatically unilateral support in the mind of a narcissist.  And, in fact, that sort of brings up a third kind of flying monkey.

This is not necessarily a flying monkey in the sense of someone who does what the narcissist goads him to do.  But it is the fact that someone chooses to be kind and caring to the narcissist in spite of knowing what he is, thinks, and has done, and still chooses to spend time with him and relate to him as though they have a healthy relationship.  In this case, even though the “flying monkey” doesn’t condone their narcissistic behavior, the narcissist perceives their kindness as unilateral support of his narcissistic support.  He thinks that support of some of his honorable behavior is support for all of his behavior, even what the “flying monkey” doesn’t know about.

Where do Narcissists Find Flying Monkeys?

Narcissists find flying monkeys literally everywhere they go.  Let me give you some of the most prominent places:

  • Families, direct and extended
  • Friends (but never close friends because the narcissist can’t risk being seen for what they really are)
  • Neighbors, especially in a new neighborhood
  • Co-workers or bosses
  • Churches (believe it or not, this is one of the biggest sources of flying monkeys)
  • Sports organizations
  • Political organizations
  • Charity organizations
  • Literally anywhere that your narcissist can run into someone and strike up a conversation.

Why do People Become Flying Monkeys?

People become flying monkeys for good and bad reasons.  Remember, narcissists often act out of kindness and people pleasing.  They probably occur more than toxic flying monkeys.  Let’s take a look at why people become flying monkeys:

  • Because they want to help everyone everywhere they go and think they are doing good.
  • Narcissists act as flying monkeys for other narcissists in order to obtain mutual narcissistic supply.
  • Some people fear the narcissist will “punish” them or make life miserable if they don’t comply.
  • People may become flying monkeys because they need to be seen as helpful to the narcissist.  It could be for a work promotion.  Or an award.  Or literally anything that motivates them to act on behalf of the narcissist.
  • Because they don’t want to appear argumentative.
  • On the flip side, people who are not kind become flying monkeys to see others suffer.

The vast majority of the time, people do not become flying monkeys on purpose.  They are often good people with honorable intentions.  And it is unfortunate that the narcissist can get them to do such cruel things to others, often without even realizing it.  And that brings us to our next point!

Do Flying Monkeys Know They are Being Used?

If a flying monkey is another narcissist, doing the bidding of the first narcissist for the sake of supply, then yes, they absolutely know they are being used.  But as I said above, the vast majority of flying monkeys are totally unaware of their position in the narcissist/victim web, just like in the movie, The Wizard of Oz.

Eventually, most flying monkeys will come to realize they are being used.  They will feel uncomfortable with how they are expected to speak with the victim, or hide certain facts to change the outcome of the interaction.  Sometimes, they will see what happens to the victim and realize how wrong the information they acted on was.  They will come to realize that the victim was the victim all along, not the narcissist who convinced them otherwise.

How Long Does a Flying Monkey Last?

A flying monkey can last for a very long time, or a very short time.  It all depends on when they realize they have been duped.  In the movie, the flying monkeys didn’t realize what had happened until the Wicked Witch was dead and the spell was broken.  While the narcissist doesn’t die, it does also become a matter of the spell being broken.  And once that spell is broken, the flying monkey will see the whole situation in a new light.

Usually when this happens, the flying monkey is so offended that they could be used for such ulterior motives.  They will instantly walk away from the narcissist for good.  The problem is that could take a very long time, depending on how good the narcissist is at keeping their mask on straight.

Narcissists also tend to keep their friends at arms length, but in secretive ways that the friends don’t realize.  They think they are good friends.  The narcissist always has the kindest words.  And the flying monkey wants to be a good friend in return.  This dance can go on for years, or even decades, before the friend realizes they have been the proverbial flying monkey all along.

How do you Outsmart a Flying Monkey?

Because flying monkeys are not your true “enemy” but only an agent of the narcissist, they don’t have as much skin in the game.  You can outsmart a flying monkey much easier than the narcissist–unless the flying monkey happens to be another narcissist working in tandem with your narcissist.
So, how do we outsmart these insidious flying monkeys?  Here are a few suggestions for you:
  • At the beginning, trust but verify.  As we meet new people, we generally give them the benefit of the doubt.  But when things don’t start adding up, proceed cautiously.  You can outsmart them by making it clear to them that you will be checking out the truth.  But be kind about it!  You can respectfully tell someone you aren’t sure what they are saying aligns with your thinking, especially if you couch it in words of you just need to make sure you are thinking clearly and correctly.  Which is the truth!  No need for accusations at this point.
  • When you realize the flying monkey has lied to you, show them evidence that shows the truth so they know you aren’t playing games.  But be nice about it!  Especially in case they actually thought they were sharing the truth with you.  Remember that most often flying monkeys think they are doing the right thing because they have been dreadfully misinformed.  Give them a chance to move through that space while also standing up for the truth.
  • Speak truth to them.  You cannot control whether or not they believe you over the narcissist’s lies.  But you have at least given them the opportunity to see and understand the truth.  What they do with that information will determine whether they continue to be used by the narcissist or come out of their own fog.
  • Don’t get caught up in their craziness.  Whether they mean to or not, they are spreading the chaos of the narcissist.  And if you managed to get out from under the thumb of the narcissist, then you certainly don’t need to be back under it by proxy.

How do You Protect Yourself From a Flying Monkey?

There are several ways to protect yourself from a flying monkey.  You certainly don’t have to allow them to put you in harm’s way.  The number one way to protect yourself is to cut all ties with them if you can.  This prevents them from being able to report back to the narcissist or continue playing his games with you.  But, sometimes it just isn’t possible.  They could be a co-worker, neighbor, or even current or ex-spouse.  In those cases, you will have to protect yourself in other ways.  Here are some of the best ones:

  • When they throw some craziness your way, don’t let them see you react to it.  Use the grey rock method to control your expression and body language!
  • When you do have to interact with a flying monkey, guard your words.  Choose them carefully, knowing that they are going to run back to the narcissist with your words.  And they are going to add their own spin to what you said.
  • Whenever possible, just like with the narcissist, keep all conversation limited to emails, texts, or written letters.  If you can’t do that, make sure there are witnesses to corroborate your story.  And don’t answer the phone if they call!  Let it go to voice mail, check to see if they left a message and reply to that message through text or email.  If they don’t leave a message, text them that you can’t answer the phone at that time and ask what they are calling about.  It will force them to put it in writing so the story can’t change later.
  • If the flying monkey approaches you in person, tell them that you have to be somewhere and can’t engage at the moment.  And then encourage them to text or email you what they need to talk about.  That way, you are not cutting them off in the off change they are being sincere and truthful.  And again, you have physical proof of what is being said when things go awry later.

How do Narcissists Pick Their Flying Monkeys?

Narcissists pick their flying monkeys by gauging how they react to the first impression the narcissist gives.  Narcissists know they must master the first impression.  And over time, they actually do.  So, when they drop a killer first impression and their target acts favorably toward them, they know they have a potentially good source of narcissistic supply.

They will nurse that potential supply with love bombing tactics (constant flattery, making their target feel like they are the best employee, friend, neighbor, etc., showing over-the-top admiration, and other similar things) that make their potential victim feel like they are the best thing that ever happened to the narcissist.

If that all goes well, the narcissist pretty much has control of their new victim.    By the time the victim realizes they are a flying monkey, if they even do (some can be fooled for years, others never see the truth because they want to believe their first impression so much they deny the evidence), so much damage could have been done.  And by the time most flying monkeys do find out what is going on, the narcissist will have several more flying monkeys waiting in the wings to do their bidding.

The narcissist’s secret weapon to maintain his flying monkey picks is to work hard to show how empathetic and wonderful he is while also staying as distant from them as possible.  If he can keep feeding them fake empathy but also not let them close to him, he can go forever fooling them.  They will never realize how badly he has tricked them.

Do Narcissists Discard Their Flying Monkeys?

Narcissists absolutely discard their flying monkeys as soon as they are no longer useful to them.  There are a few extenuating circumstances that will cause narcissists to cast away their henchmen.  Here are the most common:

  • Narcissists will discard flying monkeys that will no longer do their bidding for them.  Even  if the flying monkey doesn’t see the narcissist for what he is or realize he is using them, they may just not feel comfortable doing what the narcissist asks of them.  And when that happens, the narcissist no longer has use of them.  He will have no problem throwing away the flying monkey because he never saw them as a person to begin with.  They were only useful idiots.  And they have worn out their welcome.
  • Narcissists will discard flying monkeys that are other narcissists if they don’t submit to the narcissist’s demands.  Inevitably, the two narcissists will end up in a power struggle.  And when the flying monkey narcissist has had enough and the original narcissist realizes it, either he’s out the door or he’s kicking the flying monkey out the door.
  • And finally, narcissists will discard flying monkeys who suddenly get a glimpse of the narcissism and realize they have been duped and used.  Unless the flying monkey manages to escape first.

Do Flying Monkeys Ever Turn on the Narcissist?

Flying monkeys will often turn on the narcissist for a few reasons.  This mostly depends on the flying monkey realizing that the narcissist has been using them to do their dirty work all along.  Here are some of the times flying monkeys will turn on the narcissist using them:

  • When the flying monkey is another narcissist and realizes that they are being used for narcissistic supply and they are getting little to no narcissistic supply in return.  Once they realize they are not getting “their due” they can get very retaliatory.  And the original narcissist may end up regretting using them for supply at all.
  • An empathic person who is kind and is a truly good person becomes infuriated when they realize how they have been tricked into doing evil things to people.  Once they realize this, they will likely part ways with the narcissist with the hopes of never having to associate with him again.
  • A person with known codependency issues begins to heal and for the first time clearly sees what has been going on.  They generally feel horrified as they realize how badly they treated someone (or multiple people) in ways they did not deserve.

Sometimes, the flying monkey is able to make amends with the person or people they have treated so badly at the behest of the narcissist.  But often, they will just quietly fade away.  Unfortunately, this helps the narcissist to continue getting away with their abuse of the victim as they continue to look for more flying monkeys to make up for their losses.  And on the outside, most people never see what is going on behind closed doors.

What Happens When You Ignore Flying Monkeys?

Ignoring flying monkeys is much like going no contact with a narcissist.  If you ignore them, they can’t interact with you in a way that supports the narcissist and hurts you.  For the flying monkey who thinks they are doing the right thing, they will give up thinking that you just should have listened to them.  But to the toxic flying monkey who knows they are destroying you, they will walk away upset that they couldn’t help the narcissist take you down.

Let’s take a look at each of these cases a little bit more closely.

Ignoring Oblivious Flying Monkeys

In Christian circles specifically, many flying monkeys think they are doing the right thing.  They can become so riveted by what the narcissist says about their victim that they actually become angry with the victim.  They will treat the victim with disdain while holding a holier-than-thou stance.  The evil side-eye, outright look of disgust or anger, or even comments in passing can be the rule of the day.  Here are some of the things that happened to me in our church after my ex was removed from our home and a few people thought I was the guilty party:

  • One lady begged me to insist he come back to church to worship with us. (Yep, the situation I mentioned above was actually a personal experience!)  When I said I couldn’t do that because he didn’t even live with us at the moment, she was so instantly angry.  She put her arms at her side, looked me in the eye with anger and said, “I can’t even!” and then stormed off.  She never apologized, even though she later learned the whole story.  But she did invite my ex over for family dinners, which her adult daughter later said was so incredibly awkward for all of them.  So she eventually stopped.  I doubt they are in contact with him anymore because they are of no use to him.
  • One couple who was always extremely more supportive of my husband than me for the entire 25 years we knew them came up to me to tell me how much they missed my then husband and that they wrote him to tell him that.  Then they asked if they could give me a hug.  I always thought that was weird until one day I realized they did it so that whoever was in the room would see them as so supportive of me.  Immediately after the hug, they told me that they would write me too if I had been gone for an extended period.  I called bullshit.  And now I have been gone from that church for 3 years because my pastor recommended I move to a church that could handle the support around our divorce better.  I am now the head of that divorce support group.  And I have never heard from that couple.  They were at my son’s wedding about six months prior to me writing this article.  And they asked for that odd hug.  While telling me that they hoped I was doing well.  They don’t have any idea how obvious their behavior is to a lot of people who can clearly see the disingenuous words and actions.
  • One man came up to me at our annual church retreat.  He said his wife no longer attended our church because she disapproved of how I “got the session” to treat my then husband badly.  Funny thing  was, when I told my pastor what he had said, the pastor said he had never had a conversation with that woman in order for her to be able to make such a judgment.  Eventually, they ended up going to my ex’s church, which gave him grounds to divorce me based on me not meeting his physical needs while we were separated for the abuse and supposed to be working it out.  And as a side note, I recently saw that woman at our local baseball team’s game.  I saw her and smiled as we were walking toward each other.  She saw me, gave me the look of death, and kept on walking.

When looking at that last example, it is important for us to do what is right.  Their reaction is up to them and they will have to live with that reaction in the end.  The smartest thing for us to do is to stay away from our narcissist’s flying monkeys.  But if for some reason we need to interact with them, it is better that we do it gracefully and let them do what they are going to.  It will never be healthy, short of them coming to their senses and doing the right thing to repair and restore relationships.  But we show our own emotional growth by going above that.

Ignoring Toxic Flying Monkeys

Ignoring toxic flying monkeys will be easier than dealing with oblivious flying monkeys because their toxicity becomes obvious pretty early on.  While it isn’t necessarily pleasant to be around flying monkeys that don’t realize the harm they are doing, it will be much easier to want to avoid the toxic flying monkey.  You will almost instantly feel like something is wrong with your interactions with the toxic flying monkey.  And you need to listen to your intuition!

When you ignore toxic flying monkey, they will first be angry that you didn’t fall for their crap.  At this point, you need to be careful of revenge.  You don’t want to mess with them and stick around to see what happens.  But there are ways to keep yourself safe.  Don’t be alone with them.  Don’t talk to them unless it is in writing or around other people.  And, if possible, schedule you life in ways that you won’t run into them on a regular basis.

Know that they will also smear your name with others.  And you will likely never know the distance that these vicious lies will travel.  I know that I have heard enough stories get back to me about people I had not talked to in years, that there would be even more that I would never hear about.  And honestly, that is fine.  If people choose to believe that without ever getting the whole story, that is on them.

Once toxic flying monkeys realize they aren’t going to be able to force you to do what they want and they won’t be able to get to you easily, they will give up and move on to easier sources of supply, both for themselves and their partnership with your original narcissist.  And this is the best thing that could happen to you!  You are free!


For all intents and purposes, dealing with a flying monkey, whether they intend to be or not, is just about the same as dealing with the narcissist who is enlisting them to do his dirty work.  But if you know how to deal with your narcissist, you will easily be able to take the measures you need to in order to free yourself from the web of flying monkeys.

What has your experience been like?  Have you had to deal with a few flying monkeys?  A bunch of them?  How easy or hard was it for you to break free?  Are you still trying?  Are there some flying monkeys that you still have to be in contact with?

I would love to hear how you are working through this.  And I know our readers would love to hear about it as they are working their way through this maze of craziness.

Are you just now in the beginning stages of recognizing narcissistic abuse in your life and not sure where to go or what to do next?  Or maybe you are in the middle of the trenches, trying to make sense of the craziness swirling around you as you work your way through.  Or, maybe you are in the end stages and just need some confirmation that you are where you need to be as you are nearing the finish line of healing.  I can help you start to put the pieces together to get quickly on the path to healing, make sure you are where you need to be as you progress on your journey, and finish well as you make your way to the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have many resources you can check out here, but if you would like quicker, more direct guidance specific to your situation, a direct consultation may be more helpful to you.  I am currently booking about 9 or 10 days out; you can check out the various consultation options here.  (I am hoping to add more consultation slots in the next few weeks so we can get the time frame down to 3-5 days from the time you schedule until you get your consultation.)

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Hi! I am the founder of Navigating Religious Narcissism after being raised under a narcissistic mother and married to a narcissistic man for 31 years. It is my prayer that I can be as valuable on your journey to healing and peace as were so many who crossed my path of healing.

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