Narcissists can be energizer bunnies when it comes to finding narcissistic supply. (For those of you unfamiliar with the Energizer bunny, it was the mascot of a battery company that kept “going and going and going.”) Interestingly, men and women narcissists gain their supply in very different ways. So, what does that look like?
It doesn’t take much effort to find out what turns on a female narcissist the most. Once you know the identifying markers of a narcissist, their behavior frequently gives them away. And as such, a female narcissist will be turned on to the following things:
- Knowing that they successfully tricked someone into believing their act or lies.
- Having “minions” that will follow their every whim.
- People that are unable to say no to them.
- Doing passive aggressive things to others.
- Holding strict boundaries while rejecting everyone else’s boundaries.
- Being seen as an authority in her field of work and other endeavors.
- Being seen as the most beautiful or charming in the room.
- Receiving constant compliments and affirmations.
- Being the center of attention to the exclusion of everyone else in the room.
- Controlling the room and everyone in it.
- Making everything about herself.
- Throwing status around (often higher than in reality).
- Winning constant mind games.
- Receiving gifts, awards, and rewards.
- Being able to easily manipulate everyone around her.
- A challenge with the high potential for benefit to her upon taking up the challenge.
- Wealth and power.
- Respect, whether earned or stolen.
- People waiting in line to fulfill her desires.
- Cheating without getting caught.
- Putting others down to elevate themselves.
- Alcohol and substance abuse to numb their pain and emptiness.
- Advertising a victim mentality. (to bolster attention, sympathy, and garner more support)
That was a lot to take in at once! Let’s break it all down into bite sized pieces.
Table of Contents
Knowing that they successfully tricked someone into believing their act or lies.
What turns on a female narcissist the most about knowing they successfully tricked someone into believing their act or lies is that they had the ability to fool one person. And now they can do it over and over again.
People like to give others the benefit of the doubt. And narcissists (male and female) know this. They can pull the wool over people’s eyes several times before those people finally get tired of being treated poorly and begin to protect themselves against the narcissist’s tricks. The narcissist does realize this. So they will be covert about how they choose to trick people. Triangulation, isolation, and cognitive dissonance all help them to prolong the abuse. And some people will extend a whole lot of grace and mercy to the narcissist before finally walking away. Those are great sources of supply to the narcissist!
Amazingly, people can see the proof of narcissism in front of them and still choose to believe the narcissist’s lies and tricks. I think this is because they like the pretend version better than the real one and hold on to the hope that the “better” person will come out on top. Unfortunately, the narcissist will only use this to get more supply.
Having “minions” that will follow their every whim.
Nothing makes a narcissist feel more powerful and in control than having an entourage. And while sometimes these people groups will look like the girls from the movie, Mean Girls, often, they are nice people that have no idea they are being used in underhanded, disgusting ways. When this happens, these unknowing accomplices are called flying monkeys. Yep, like from the Wizard of Oz. Those creepy little flying monkeys were under the spell of the Wicked Witch of the West and instantly did everything she told them to. Until they were finally out from under her spell.
In real life, flying monkeys look just the same. The narcissist is careful to convince them that she has only the best intentions in mind as she gets them to do her bidding. And they gladly follow along, feeling like they are doing the right thing. Until all of a sudden they see the whole picture and it all makes sense to them. If they are not narcissists themselves, they will run for the hills once they realize how they have been used. But if they are narcissists, they will continue to hang with the narcissist, so they can mutually benefit from their acts.
People that are unable to say no to them.
I have had codependency tendencies all my life. And the thought of saying no to someone was terrifying. They would think they couldn’t depend on me, or that I wasn’t trustworthy, or that I didn’t value them as a person. And honestly, while any of that may have been true, the truth is that if I was too overwhelmed and they had a problem with me saying no, it was their problem and not mine.
Unfortunately, most codependent people, myself included could never see that part of the equation. We feel like life will fall apart if we can’t be all things to all people. So, we say yes. And then we try to figure out where we are going to sacrifice time in order to make up this new requirement for more time.
There was one book that changed my life regarding this. Boundaries: When to say Yes, How to Say No, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, shows you how important it is to set boundaries for your own safety, sanity, and peace. And then they show you that your world will not fall if you don’t constantly people please to your own detriment.
I am amazed at how quickly I learned these concepts and everything changed. I don’t feel guilty for saying no if someone asks me something that I can’t or don’t want to do. They generally don’t take it poorly, and the world didn’t fall apart! If you have a problem with saying no at all, you need to get this book! Click on it below for more details:
Doing passive aggressive things to others.
What turns a female narcissist on the most about being passive aggressive to others is that she can do it very underhandedly and become very skilled. Many people will have no idea what she is really doing behind the scenes. After hearing the stories of thousands of victims of narcissism, I believe that passive aggressive behavior is the number one tactic of narcissistic women. It doesn’t require physical strength. It brings out the cattiness that many women possess.
Once they master it, they can successfully do it to almost everyone they meet–until some of those people become wise to what is going on and protect themselves. But only a very few people catch on to this very quickly. Again, my hypothesis is because victims want to give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt. Even when they suspect, they still choose to be kind and feel it’s on the narcissist to do what they will. And then there are some that accept the narcissist’s lies and excuses when they call them out on it.
Regardless of the reason narcissists get away with it, it will likely always be one of the most successful tactics of narcissists, male or female.
Holding strict boundaries while rejecting everyone else’s boundaries.
I talked above about when people are not able to say no to the narcissist along with a recommendation of the best book on this topic. Narcissists keep their expectations high and pressure their victims to say yes every time. And the kicker is that they don’t hold themselves to any of your boundaries while demanding that you not come anywhere near theirs. It is a very frustrating dance.
As far as their boundaries are concerned, it should be no problem for you once you realize what you are dealing with. That is because you should be avoiding any unnecessary contact with them. And you should not be interacting with them in a way that they can come at you. All contact should be in writing or in the presence of others who can see what is going on.
And as far as your boundaries, you need to learn how to respond in ways that will not spin them up into a frenzy but will still hold their attacks at bay. I have a list of 36+ phrases to disarm a narcissist that should get you started. Before long, you will see what works best with your particular narcissist.
Even though you know what turns on a female narcissist is to trample all over your boundaries while holding you at arms’ length with hers, the less time you spend with her overall, the less you will have to worry about this at all. This would be a good time to have lots of other things to do to keep you too busy to engage.
Being seen as an authority in her field of work and other endeavors.
Of course one of the things that turn on a female narcissist (and actually a male one as well in this case) is to be seen as an authority. When someone is seen as an authority, it allows them to have control over more people. It gives them clout in the community and often power. And it tends to indicate a positive reputation in the community.
Narcissists are really good at first impressions. The learn how to make them early in life and then do everything they can to master and maintain them. That makes it easier to keep that good impression unless something huge happens with the narcissist publicly. But generally speaking, they do all of their narcissistic behavior behind closed doors and with isolated individuals. If anyone complains about the abuse, they have their “good reputation” to stand on. And it can go on this way for years or even decades before people realize what has been happening all along.
Becoming an authority figure in the church is incredibly easy. Churches are always looking for help and volunteers. An eager narcissist will certainly pick up on that. In fact, narcissists are more prominent in the church than we think. They are the true wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Being seen as the most beautiful or charming in the room.
When trying to work through what turns on female narcissists, being seen as the most beautiful, most charming, or smartest person in the room is the top of the list. It is part of that incredible first impression they have to make.
Male narcissists are quite in tune with having to look and dress perfectly and will continue that trend until they are older and it is just too difficult to keep up anymore. But women are more so addicted to looking good and presenting well, even in their later years. And yes, it gets difficult for them too. But they will continue to try.
As they get older, female narcissists will depend more on their charm or on being a damsel in distress to get their narcissistic supply. They will not give up easily. And often the charm will work really well for them when they need to use it.
Receiving constant compliments and affirmations.
Know that what turns on a female narcissist is constant affirmations coming her way. Generally speaking, she has become adept at knowing how to fish for compliments without outright begging for them. Usually it’s by slighting herself. Here are a couple of examples:
- Oh, I meant to take that cake out of the oven 30 seconds earlier, but I had to save my cat that was up in a tree. I hope it isn’t burned (of course, she knows it’s perfectly cooked.)
- I’m so proud of my son for making honor roll. Of course, he only made it because I sat at the table with him every night for the past three months doing his homework with him. And I had to help him do his science fair project. He really dropped the ball, but I made sure we got it done in the nick of time.
As you can see from these examples, most of their compliments and affirmations will come at the expense of anyone unfortunate enough to be around them.
Being the center of attention to the exclusion of everyone else in the room.
This is kind of the part two of what turns on a female narcissist when she walks into a room and makes that great first impression. She now needs to command the room and stay in the spotlight. And she will do and say just about anything that will help her do that, as long as she doesn’t ruin that all-important first impression.
If she sees someone else garnering some of that attention, she will immediately find some way to draw attention back to herself. It could be as “innocent” as a sneeze. Or it could be more attention-grabbing. Her are a couple of examples:
- Laughing just a little bit louder than everyone else.
- Having to respond to everything that is said, to the exclusion of everyone else.
- One-upping whatever is being discussed–if someone ran a nine-minute mile, she ran a seven-minute mile.
The kind of funny part of this tactic is that the lies can become so outrageous that nobody could possibly believe it. But they will let her have her attention because it generally isn’t important enough to steal the spotlight back. And most of us don’t want the spotlight anyway. So we shrug it off and don’t worry about it. It seems so innocuous anyway.
Controlling the room and everyone in it.
Narcissists really have to control everything. Because deep down inside, they feel insecure and out of control. But the illusion of security and control has to be there. This is just as important if not more important for female narcissists as it is their male counterparts.
It certainly turns on female narcissists when they are able to have everyone sitting at their feet, hanging on her every word. And just like my point above, she will tell some tall tales in order to get and maintain that control of the room and the full attention of everyone in it.
This is where many narcissists will brag about all of the wonderful and super successful things they have “done” in their life. Almost all of it will be greatly exaggerated. And it will all be very hard to verify. The more they can build up their reputation with unverifiable facts, the easier it will be to convince people.
Narcissists will be animated, loving, kind, and gregarious with everyone in the room, even if they can’t stand them. Because at this point it is all an act. The narcissist needs people to see her in a positive light. So she is willing to get herself into character to make that happen. And she also knows that in order to get good narcissistic supply from others, she has to treat them well and make them feel both validated and valuable to her. They just don’t realize that valuable means to get supply from them and not a valuable companion in their life.
Making everything about herself.
Once, again, flowing from the last point, what turns on a female narcissist in addition to controlling the room is making everything about herself. Controlling the room actually allows her to make everything about herself.
No matter what conversation comes up in any interaction, the female narcissist can tie herself to it. If someone brings up an exotic vacation they just went on, she can tell everyone about an even bigger and better vacation. A huge promotion at work prompts her to tell everyone about her huge promotion. Even if it didn’t really happen.
So, how is the female narcissist able to tell tall tales and rarely if ever get caught? Because she can talk about her huge promotion to people at church, neighbors, or a civic organization. Or she can talk about her new position on a prestigious committee at her church to all of her circles that aren’t involved with her church life. As long as her tall tales are outside of the area she is speaking to others about, she can say literally whatever she wants people to believe.
The vast majority of us don’t fact check everything everyone tells us. We like to believe what people say to us. This gives people great latitude in what they tell others. And while most of us are honest about our lives and how we live them, this is prime opportunity for narcissists to make it about themselves.
Throwing status around (often higher than in reality).
As female narcissists like and/or need to make everything about them, this often includes throwing status around. How will they be the best person in the room if they don’t have the most prestigious titles? To be fair, men do this one a lot too. But it is certainly a female narcissist’s go-to tactic because it takes more brain power than strength.
The status they claim will often have an element of truth in it. It could be that they are working in the same department of the higher status they are claiming. Or maybe they made it and weren’t able to hold on to that status. And the final possibility: they actually do hold that status they are claiming and need the whole world to know.
What turns on female narcissists in terms of status is the pursuit as well as the win. They will seek out honorable positions in community groups, school or city government, or other areas where it is pretty easy to gain leadership and status because there is little competition. Often, once someone is in a position of status, it is fairly easy to progress to higher status. They merely have to keep a good reputation and be seen in a positive light when in public and around people that “matter” in that field.
The female narcissist will do anything they can to keep their mask intact. So they will please those that are in positions to affect their status. They will save the narcissistic attacks for people that they can abuse behind the scenes.
Winning constant mind games.
What turns on a female narcissist the most is winning constant mind games. This is the bread and butter of a female narcissist because it only requires brain power and a cunning heart and mind.
Some of the most prominent mind games a female narcissist would play would be as follows:
- Taking credit for work done by others.
- Taking over people’s positions even if it isn’t her place.
- Changing facts here and there to confuse other people’s reality.
- Love bombing others to get them in their good graces. This can mean romantic interests, or even just trying to gain favorability with a boss, coworker, neighbor, or any other person they spend time with.
- Blame shifting to prevent being seen in a negative light. Or to make themselves look better than anyone around them.
- Ghosting people that they consider a risk.
- Gaslighting to confuse others and make them off their game. This can be so bad that their victim even thinks they may be going crazy.
- Triangulation: isolating two or more people to tell them totally different things, tricking them to believe something other than reality. Hint: the best way to combat this one is to make sure everyone is on the same page. That will be maddening to the narcissist, but it will keep the rest of you informed and knowedgeable.
- Playing the victim. As long as they can garner sympathy, they can trick others into generously helping them. Often people never realize how off kilter this is.
- Projection. In order for others to not see what they are really like, they will shift their own shortcomings onto others. This makes them look better than everyone else.
The more narcissists use mind games, the better they get. But, once you know what is going on, they won’t be able to get away with it anymore unless you let them.
Receiving gifts, awards, and rewards.
Receiving gifts, awards, and rewards turns on female narcissists because it means two things: first, that people believe they are the best, and second, that they may have been able to shine above others to deserve that reward.
This feels like the reward for all of their acting, manipulating, controlling, gaslighting, and everything else they have done to get where they are. And they take these rewards not to mean they did an excellent job on what the reward was issued for, but that their act worked. And now they can keep on doing it because it was successful.
What an unfortunate perspective! While most of the time, awards, rewards, and gifts are given to the narcissist in good faith, it does so much damage. Those rewards bolster the attacks of the narcissist, make them bolder, and make them determined to seek out more because they did it once, why not over and over? It actually makes them less likely to ever be willing to heal from their narcissism.
They will go one step further than just acting out on rewarded bad behavior. In their mind, they will convince themselves that the reward wasn’t just for the thing it was rewarded for, but for their narcissistic behavior. They are now convinced that they are being rewarded for how they treat people. Therefore, it must be fine to keep doing it. And if anyone complains or bucks against it, that is their problem. They are just fine.
Being able to easily manipulate everyone around her.
In order to control the room, what turns on female narcissists is manipulating people to maintain control of the room. As they see themselves successfully manipulating others, they feel power and satisfaction. They can indeed get where they are going by manipulating others.
Most of the time narcissists don’t care who or how they manipulate. But at times they will justify what they are doing. First, they justify it as worth it to sacrifice these people to get what they want. But they also justify it as they are manipulating people to make things better for them too.
This is all part of the fact that narcissists will reason out even the most unreasonable, abusive things they do. In the end, it is all about them and however they can rationalize that out in their head, they will do it.
A challenge with the high potential for benefit to her upon taking up the challenge.
This point sounds complicated, but the concept really isn’t. What turns on a female narcissist is when she sees herself getting where she needs to quickly and with accolades. At that point, she feels invincible. She can do anything. And then she sees challenges ahead and feels like she’s got it.
As she gets into the challenge and realizes it may be over her head, someone else may get credit, or some other negative thing may come out with the positive potential, she will then start manipulating how to win or succeed at the challenge and save face.
And that is where the narcissism once again takes over. She must do anything and be anything to make this challenge work. So she will put on the necessary mask (or act, however you want to think of it) and head toward that goal.
Narcissists often succeed at the challenges they take on, not because they were better, but because they outplayed everyone else, unethically as well as ethically. And the more they win with their unethical behavior, the more acceptable and appropriate it seems to them. It got them what they wanted, didn’t it?
Wealth and power.
Of course, if challenges, gifts, awards, and rewards turn on a female narcissist, how much more do you think wealth and power will turn her on?
Wealth and power is kind of the culmination of the narcissist’s tool bag. They mastered the first impression, learned what tactics to use with which person to get their supply, manipulated and controlled the room, exaggerated their accomplishments, and now they can say they have arrived with wealth and power. And just like I said above, it won’t matter to them how they made it to where they are, just that they succeeded. Ethics and morals will have nothing to do with it, except when they are trying to fool someone into believing that they have ethics and morals.
Most people observe that by the time a narcissist, male or female, gets to the point of wealth and power, there is nothing that will stop them. They aren’t that interested in hiding their narcissism, and they feel pretty invincible. Unfortunately, our world rewards this behavior. So they likely will stay in power and watch it grow even more. One of the biggest examples of this is our government officials. You pretty much have to be narcissistic in order to get through the brutal races to power. Those that don’t value winning at all costs will almost always drop out.
Another example is many of the men from the late 19th century that have made great advances in our world. While they changed the world we live in for the better, they were also called “robber barons” for good reason. They were ruthless in their business dealings and life in general. And they weren’t shy about letting their narcissism show. The biggest names were Rockefeller, Carnegie, Vanderbilt, and J.P. Morgan.
Even Albert Einstein is thought to be a covert narcissist according to Science of People.
According to Harvard University, 18% of CEO’s in America are narcissistic. It does seem to show us that often, it is the narcissism that allows people to make it “to the top.”
Since this article is about what turns on a female narcissist, I would be remiss to not mention a few powerful female narcissists. While none of them have a formal diagnosis that I know of, here is the list of women that are largely thought to be narcissistic:
I will stop at these for now, knowing that you can fill in a good number of additional women who showed varying degrees of narcissistic behaviors.
Respect, whether earned or stolen.
What turns on a female narcissist greatly is garnering universal respect, whether that respect is earned or stolen. Respect is a necessary component to status, being seen as an authority, and wealth and power. So, of course, a narcissist will do anything she can to get and keep that respect. Let’s look at a few ways she does that:
- She will capitalize on the great first impression she made. She will study that first impression to remember what words she used, what the new acquaintance responded well to, plus where they were and what they were doing when they met. She will use all of those markers to take mental notes of what speaks to that person. And how she can continue to get good amounts of narcissistic supply from them in the form of respect back her way.
- Once the narcissist knows what makes those who respect her tick, she will use those activities, discussions, or other action steps to continue to retain that respect. This is true even if she has to lie her way to that respect. It isn’t about earning the respect. It’s about manipulating your way to it until you get and keep it.
- The narcissist will use other people’s work and words to her own benefit for the credit she needs to maintain a good level of respect. And she will do it in such a way that the original source of the stolen intellectual property has no idea it has been stolen. That usually works by keeping everybody compartmentalized.
People waiting in line to fulfill her desires.
Almost nothing turns on a female narcissist more than people waiting in line to fulfill her desires. She finally feels like she has arrived. People are doting on her and hanging on her next word of advice or suggestion.
The problem that she soon realizes is that she has to bring them great value to keep them doting on her and waiting in line to be her person. These people are also known as flying monkeys, which all narcissists have. But many of them don’t stay around for long because they start to realize what is going on. They are being used and it starts to feel like that quickly. So, how does the narcissist combat that? By telling them what she knows they want or need to hear.
Constant flattery, love bombing, or even gifts can keep a flying monkey engaged for a very long time. They may feel like things aren’t quite right, but they probably can’t put their finger on it. And honestly, they love the gifts and flattery. So they stick with it. Until they finally know exactly what is going on and can’t wait to get away. Or, if they are narcissistic to any degree themselves, they may just use the narcissist’s tricks to their own benefit. Mutually beneficial narcissism.
Cheating without getting caught.
What turns on a female narcissist about cheating without getting caught is the rush of adrenaline from doing something daring and dangerous. And, while many narcissists will not be so smart about this and get caught pretty quickly, others have been known to cheat for decades and never get caught.
It really doesn’t matter if you catch them in the act or not. Over time, once you see the narcissistic behavior in other areas, you may notice blocks of unaccounted for time, smells of cologne, your narcissist hiding their phone or leaving to take phone calls, and many other signs that you will pick up on over time.
You don’t have to get an admission from a cheating narcissist to choose to walk away. Remember that they will deny even the most obvious things until the end in their acts of gaslighting you to make you the offender. You don’t need to put up with that, or with the uncertainty of a future with someone who really doesn’t respect you in most areas of life.
Putting others down to elevate themselves.
This is one of the most common ways to turn on a female narcissist because it elevates her above everyone else in the room. Or city. or whatever they think they are at the top of.
One of the worst things that especially female narcissists do is make their insults sound like compliments. It is one of the grand displays of a covert narcissist. And those who are not so savvy will never pick up on the insult that was hurled at you by using the nicest of words. These are also called back-handed compliments. Here are a few examples:
- “What a nice little house you have” (but it’s actually over 3,000 square feet).
- “Wow, what an awesome job you did. It’s a shame you didn’t do the ______, though.”
- “That dress looks great. If only you could lose 5 more pounds, it would be perfect.”
Another tactic narcissists may use is to tell you what they are genuinely thinking, then follow it up with, “Just joking.” They got to insult you. But in a way that left you scratching your head about yourself instead of their corrupt head and heart.
Alcohol and substance abuse to numb their pain and emptiness.
I didn’t realize until well into counseling and after my ex husband had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder that most narcissists have other addictions. Sex, alcohol, gambling, and drugs are the predominant ones. There are a couple of reasons for this.
First, the narcissist functions at a small child’s emotional maturity. They don’t like to be told what to do or what is best for them. They want what they want. And they want it now, or sooner. Thus, they exercise no willpower in addictive type behaviors.
Second, narcissists will latch onto addictions because it gives them a reprieve from dealing with the pain and emptiness their narcissism brings upon them. Of course, they will have to deal with the fallout of those addictions later. But generally speaking, they will deny that they have issues with any addictions and that they are doing them because they choose to. Once again, it has an element of truth. They do choose to do those things. What they are not honest about is the fact that there are issues or problems with them. As long as they deny, nobody can speak truth into them.
Advertising a victim mentality.
We have finally made it to our last point! To be sure, there are many more than the ones I listed here. I bet you can tell me some that I haven’t yet experienced! But, let’s get to our last point. What turns on a female narcissist is advertising a victim mentality that gets people to pour sympathy on her.
This tactic proves very useful for the aging female narcissist. She feels like she can’t do enough to make herself beautiful enough. Her physical strength may be waning. And he brain is no longer as sharp as it used to be. It’s getting hard to keep up with all those narcissistic lies and gaslighting tactics.
So, what does the narcissist resort to? Being a victim who needs the help of everyone around her. Still the center of attention. And still controlling the room and everyone in it. She is still trying to keep up with all of her old ways, but maybe even more covert than before. She is now guarded so she can protect herself when she makes a mistake.
This generally leads to people getting tired of being used by her and tired of her lack of gratitude and entitlement mentality. And this is also where many narcissists become totally isolated themselves instead of the isolator. It is actually sad to watch, even though they brought it upon themselves after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse ruling over relationships.
Conclusion
While it seems the female narcissist has a large bag of tricks that turn her on and keep her going, the truth is that it is usually the same tired tricks that they use over and over again. That’s why anyone who has come out of any type of relationship with a narcissist understands and recognizes narcissism from a mile away.
How long did it take you to catch on (don’t worry, it took me nearly 30 years!)? Are you just now catching on? Once you caught on, how soon did you start to get your clear thinking back? Have you been able to help others experiencing the same thing? I would love to hear about your experiences, past or present. I’m sure others who are just now emerging want to hear about how you did it or are doing it now. And I would love to add you to my prayer list. Feel free to share in the comments below.
Are you just now in the beginning stages of recognizing narcissistic abuse in your life and not sure where to go or what to do next? Marie helps people start to put the pieces together to get quickly on the pathway of healing. She has many resources you can check out here, but if you would like quicker, more direct guidance specific to your situation, a direct consultation with Marie may be more helpful to you. You can check out the various consultation options here.
Hugs and love,
Sources:
Hailey, Logan. “Covert Narcissists: How to Powerfully Cope and Recognize Them.” Science of People, https://www.scienceofpeople.com/covert-narcissist/
Tayan, Bryan (Stanford University). “Are Narcissistic CEO’s All That Bad?” Harvard Law School Forum on Corporate Governance, October 25, 2021, https://corpgov.law.harvard.edu/2021/10/25/are-narcissistic-ceos-all-that-bad/
McNamara, Robert. “Robber Barons.” ThoughtCo, Apr. 5, 2023, thoughtco.com/robber-barons-1773964
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